call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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