wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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