I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
