Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I have aggressive nipples.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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