my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
