I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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