My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
did i walk over a car last night?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
