I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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