first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
