I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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