I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
