Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize