he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
