"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
