and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
