i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
