i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Randomize
