he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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