it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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