I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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