I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
