Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
this hospital has no fireball
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
