I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
