Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
