WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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