thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
