i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize