Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
