My Higher Power is John Stamos
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
