i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize