i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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