Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
