he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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