dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
