My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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