Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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