he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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