idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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