I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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