Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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