Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
