her vagine was all disorganized.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
