Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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