The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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