Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
