I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
