My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize