My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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