Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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