you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Your cock deserves a montage
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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