11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I puked a lego.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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