his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
