I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
