You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
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