I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize