Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
she peed on how many people?
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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