If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
