she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
