I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
