theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
