You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
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