come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
We smell like vodka and hangover
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