I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
