Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Randomize
